These are heavy feelings

And just like that...

2007 - 2022.

Hi babes, I’m back to my usual laid-back California lifestyle. The good news is I made it home safe and the journey was smooth. The bad news is I had to put my dog down and I’ve never felt more lonely.

If you know me IRL it’s likely you met Carrie Bradshaw on at least one occasion, and I hope you did. She was a fun girl! Very friendly and loving and curious. She howled like a coyote. She wasn’t afraid of anything.

I am pathetically grateful to her, especially for giving me the stability I needed after a turbulent adolescence. To call her an emotional support animal doesn’t begin to describe what she gave me; she was my longest and safest relationship, the one presence I could count on during my most formative and fulfilling years. The majority of my adult life was devoted to this animal, to being responsible for each other. She was my best friend and roommate and travel buddy. She kept all my secrets and she had a great sense of humor. I’m devastated. We really don’t deserve dogs.

I feel heartbroken but I’m also so, so glad she’s at peace. And I’d pay good money to go out the way Carrie did — melting in the arms of a dear friend, eating a brownie, listening to people tell me how much they love me. (By the way: if you ever need to euthanize your dog in the Portland, OR area I highly recommend Lap of Love. Dr. Lori was incredible.) I also like thinking about her being reunited with pals on the other side. She was honestly the Betty White of her friend group.

So when I wrote about starting over, I may have been jinxing myself. I’m just taking my emotions hour by hour, which is a coping mechanism I picked up in pandemique times. I don’t quite know who I am without the dog around so it will certainly be an interesting adjustment. Buckle up, I’m going through another phase!

Feel free to say a few words or leave a quote from Sex and the City or whatever in the comments. CB loved her fans.

Currently keeping me afloat:

• My friend Ashley’s six-year-old daughter, who saw Carrie the morning of and said “I thought she was dead today.”

• My friend Danny’s two-year-old French bulldog, who snores like a jackhammer and farts uncontrollably and is an expert cuddler. He is really helping me through this difficult time!

• In my grief I splurged on a pair of AirPods Pro. I listen to music every single day, so they’ve already paid for themselves. The only place I haven’t worn them is in the shower.

• An indie band called NewDad. Their music is like the dELiA*s catalog.

• A galley of Sloane Crosley’s Cult Classic, which is really funny and twisted. It’s like a cross between Black Mirror and Russian Doll.

• Wordle, obviously